Somnolent Detachment
by Vanyel
Summary: A flashback told from Cloud's point of view; a look into his mind.


Daybreak . . .   
  
Light. Which can not be seen, but more so… felt. A yearning feeling, for the nonexistent light, which was only in another world. Which I was forbidden to return to. All which was here, was bound here for me, and was my limit. No amount of calling, talking, thinking, breathing… living.. walking, feeling, or being… could change this. What makes it worse? Remember… think, remember. What was his name again? The one who'd I dragged down with me? Been dragged down with the . . .   
  
"Failure." The professor chuckled, "Why am I bothering with the failure? Hmm. Maybe you will prove yourself someday. But…"   
He threw his hands up; as if I was so completely hopeless that wasting his precious time on me was so ridiculous.   
  
"As for now."   
Another voice perked up, but it was unclear. The only thing for certain was that it was in fact, a different voice, meaning there was. . .  
  
Someone?  
/ You don't know him. /  
They're all the same.  
Affirmative. No one.   
  
"How does my specimen fair?"   
  
"In all honestly, not well."   
  
"Oh?"   
  
Murmuring… discussion, talking, conversing, all things permitted for human beings to do. Not for me.   
  
"You drugged him, didn't you?"   
  
"Of course. Even as specimens, mutiny exists."   
  
"Well, that explains that much… and-"   
  
"You mean the inability to talk, move, and so on…" He chuckled again, clearing enjoying the power he held over the helpless.   
"Yes, yes. All I need to know is if it'll stay alive for as many more years as I need it."   
  
"Professor, to put it bluntly, I'm worried for him. He's a human being and needs to be treated like one, not locked up in a test tube all day long. I realize that…"   
  
Now. Now this tormentor was going to get angry. This much I could foresee.   
  
"Realize?"  
Every feature of his face tightened. Not to mention his voice when he spoke was sharp but smooth at the same time. And his eyes narrowed, dangerously and ominously, in ways not possible.   
"You certainly must realize that it gets treated very well, considering it's just a specimen. It should be glad for the way it's treated, and especially considering it's such a burden to have around! You wouldn't believe the results I receive, every test I do, failure-"   
  
I flinch.   
  
"After failure-"   
  
And again.   
  
"After failure!"   
  
And again.   
Those words crawled into my mind and ate it from the inside out. What else am I to believe? As long as I am in here, it's the truth. For the truth is what this man says, even if it isn't true, it will soon become truth in some way or another. Even if it's not true even then. That's the way things work around here.   
  
The stranger now sighed. He must've realized he was defeated.  
"Do what you will, professor, but you called me in here to ask of my help. I gave it to you, and I wash my hands of this."   
He walked out, and I choked back a cry. Alone again, with him.   
  
And now Hojo looked surprised. He noticed my strangled cry and raised an eyebrow at me.   
"Didn't I drug you enough so you couldn't even make a sound? I do hate it when they squirm or scream, it's quite distracting..."   
He made his way over to the desk, and shuffled around in the drawers for a little while. I couldn't quite see what he was doing. I didn't need to see. I knew what was coming and I was grateful for only one thing; It was my turn, and not...  
  
/ Zack. /   
  
Zack's. It was my fault he was here.   
  
Hojo was by my side now, as I lay deadly still on the cold, metal surface of the table. And he held a needle. As he squirted the excess water from the tip, things got blurry. Moments, but what seemed like eternities later, I could feel a slight, stinging pain in my shoulder. The effects of the shot came too soon.   
  
Still not able to move or talk, I just stared in front of me as the burning pain slowly consumed every inch of me. It became very important, all of a sudden, to be able to lash out, scream.. anything at all. Not just lie here while my tormentor grinned down at me. He knew. He knew with every second the burning got worse. He probably knew better than me. I did not have the privilege of knowing what it was I was being injected with. And all I could do was stare. No crying, moving, screaming, or defending myself in any way possible. Just sit, motionless, while the liquid spread through my body and ate at me. Deteriorating me from the inside out, and all the while I couldn't let out that gut-wrenching scream that so needed to be set free.   
  
Before I could think about it any longer, a blade ran it's tip through my flesh.  
  
"My poor specimen, but you know very well we need a tissue sample."   
  
Now I could close my eyes and let meaningless tears drip from them, while my silent screams roamed around inside of me; desperately searching for a way to be let out.   
The burning grew worse and the blade took pieces away from me, more than just pieces of my body, but pieces of... myself, with every time it cut. I could think, and think, and think about this all I wanted but nothing was to change. My thoughts were all I had. My self worth was taken away--  
  
/ What little of it there was? /  
  
My dignity was shattered, my identification as a human being was buried under endless piles of papers;   
  
'PROJECT C- JENOVA CLONE'  
Not a name. A letter. Desperately, I needed some way to be somebody, anybody... if I ever got out of here, the first thing to do would be to win back my identity. Nothing else seemed so important, but I so very much need to be somebody.   
  
/ Don't even try being yourself. Remember how lovely that worked out for you before? /   
  
Right... perhaps this was all a deserved punishment. Failure, indeed. The title had fit before I had been brought into this place with no light, and no sound except the occasional scream from the victim and maddening chuckle from the professor. My thoughts were interrupted as the burning built to a point that was intolerable. I opened his mouth to try and force out the exasperated scream that floated through my insides and helped tear at me alongside the burning.   
  
  
/ It's not as bad as some other tests. /  
True.   
/ Spoke too soon. /   
You did..?   
  
Sense returned to me as I noticed I was strapped to the metal table by my wrists, but the thing I noticed most was my burning flesh. My side stung, and felt like it was being eaten away by acid. It was one of the professor's tools, I'm not sure of the purpose but I'm sure of the result when used. He wore goggles(so as his precious eyes were not damaged from the bright light) while he continued to drill into me with device that was shaped somewhat like a gun, but was definitely not one. For one thing, it produced a light that seemed similar to electricity, and the light was on a rod that hung from the tip. He tapped the rod into my flesh and the electricity.. or whatever it was, burned into me, in more ways than one.   
  
Now I could scream. I was still too drained to even attempt to lash out, but, the effects of the drug wore off so much that my silent screams were finally let out-- and continued on for the eternities that matched the pain.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"Oh, look Cloud!"   
Aeris' kind voice jarred me awake, and seemed to slice away the bad memories.   
A glance out the window and I remembered where I was, where I actually was. In the Gondola with Aeris. She spoke again;   
  
"...Beautiful, isn't it?"   
A glance out the window and I could see what had been so beautiful. The fireworks skittered up to the sky and popped when they reached it; releasing all the different colors. It was kind of nice, I guess. If other things had not been on my mind. Then Aeris' voice called me back to reality once again.   
  
"......first off, it bothered me how you looked exactly alike."  
/ It bothered me too. /   
  
"Two completely different people, but look exactly the same."  
/ Yea, but it's no coincidence. /  
  
"The way you walk, gesture... I think I must have seen him again, in you..."  
/ That's because he is in me. /  
  
"But you're different."  
/ Oh? /   
  
"Things are different..."  
/ I don't see how... but people always see things I don't. /   
  
"Cloud... I'm searching for you... I want to meet you."   
  
For the first time in the conversation, I spoke.   
"But I'm right here."   
Logic seems to defy what I already know.  
  
"I know, I know... what I mean is... I want to meet...you."  
/ No you don't... you wouldn't want to meet the real me. /   
  
And so is the truth. I, me, the real me, died years ago, and I will never be the same person again. Healed somewhat, but total recovery is impossible and ridiculously hopeless to pursue. Every heartbeat is mixed in with bits and pieces of just about everything else on this planet. Every breath denies my existence, every ruined truth catches up to me, every sheltered thought is torn from it's ravine and spit up into the nauseous mess that is the real truth. The real truth I can never seem to hide from.   
  
Destined as it is, none of you ever met me.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
---   
  
So, how did everyone like it? ^^; I'm new here at fanfiction.net, and, this is my first piece of fan fiction ever. I was compelled to write something about Cloud, because he seems so misunderstood. T_T In case you couldn't catch on, the first part was a flashback from that time he spent with Hojo in the Shinra lab and was tested on as a Jenova clone. I always felt so bad for him for that, I mean, it was like 5 years! And no one seems to really notice how hard that must've been. ;_; I felt really horrible while I was writing this, I didn't like writing about these cruel things. ;___; Ah well.. writing is usually like that for me.  
  
And while he was on the Gondola, maybe it was just me but Cloud seemed to be thinking about something... and the whole conversation with Aeris was a very important part of the game that could be assosiated with some of my messages. I think. -.- Anyway, hope you enjoyed, and I hope I end up writing at least one other piece. -.-;   
  
--kris  



End file.
